What do Cheech Marin, Tokyo, and Oprah's transsexual father have in common? They all love LOST!

***SPOILER ALERT***

I know the secrets of LOST. Do you want to know them, too? I am warning you right now – stop reading if you don't want to know. If you want it all to be a surprise, for the love of all things holy, click away.

I want to preface this post by saying I have never theorized about LOST before. It just *poof* came to me almost in a vision the other day after learning that Uncle Rico is Ben's daddy. Although I tried to make sense of what meaning there was in knowing Napoleon Dynamite is Ben's cousin, I came up, well, lost.

But then all of a sudden, like a ray of sunlight streaming through the jungle, I saw it before me as clear as if I had donned Sawyer’s patched-up glasses. I knew what this kooky sci-fi extravaganza was all about. And – oh my God – you are going. To. Freak. Out.

Simply put, the island is a Skinner box for people with daddy issues, run by the Japanese and Dr. Phil.

I know!

Dr. Phil is behind the whole thing.

All will be revealed in the series finale three years from now, which will be filmed as a very special episode of Dr. Phil Family.

In the finale, Dr Phil decodes all of the psychoses of the LOSTaways and the Others-Hostiles-Whoeverthefucktheyare and they show a heartfelt piece where we learn that Dr. Phil's fat ass has been counseling Hurley on weight loss this whole time. It will be revealed in a shocking twist that Hurley has dropped 270 pounds just by using Dr. Phil's newest weight-loss book, and he's been wearing a Dharma Initiative fat suit since Season 1.

In the most heartwarming moment of the entire series, Cheech Marin runs out and wraps Hurley up in a big hug saying, "I've never been able to get my arms around my boy before – thank you Dr. Phil! Now I can love him."

Everyone has gathered on the beach to witness this touching moment, and no matter if they're LOSTaways or Others, they all decide to forgive their fathers for what they've done. At this moment, each of their daddies – alive or dead – materializes from a cloud of black smoke.

No one is more surprised than Jack, who learns that his father has been dressed in a Goodwin disguise and boffing Juliet for years when Daddy Shepard runs to Juliet, ignoring Jack completely, and feels her up, saying "Tune in, Tokyo" over and over again.

At the utterance of these words, the sky turns pink and purple one last time and opens up to reveal the LOST island is in actual fact underneath Tokyo, Japan, and the Japanese have been fucking with everyone's minds – including the writers and producers – this whole time.

Because they are so far advanced compared with the rest of the world, they had invented a technological device that actually prevents bad parenting and corrects daddy issues and wanted to make sure they could prove that to the world by fixing the psychoses of the most daddy-fucked people alive.

Jin starts babbling on in Korean, thrilled to finally see a bunch of people who look like him and don't speak English, either. Subtitles on the bottom of the screen spell out "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?" but his question – like so many before it – goes unanswered when he sees the blank looks on the faces of the Japanese people above him and realizes maybe all Asian people really do kind of look alike.

With the sky open and Tokyo looming above them, Dr. Phil reveals that he has been working as a Japanese operative since before his days on Oprah, and he knew running this experiment would be the only way he could one-up his former mentor.

So, my friends, LOST turns out to be nothing but a pissing contest: a chance for Dr. Phil to wave his dick around and for the Japanese finally to assert their dominance over the world.

All of the mythology turns out to be a load of bullshit, except for the numbers, which, if combined in the right sequence and placed into a complicated logarithm, would have revealed this fact long ago. Knowing no one on the island – nay, in the world – would be near smart enough to figure that out, the Japanese decided to throw the numbers around just for grins and giggles. And so the world learns Japan is a lot funnier of a nation than was originally thought.

Then, true to form, things get really good in the closing moments.

In the last minute of the last episode of the series, for no apparent reason whatsoever, Danielle the Frenchwoman arrives on the beach to join the others and just stands there with a gun slung over her shoulder, holding a crate of dynamite with a scared yet blank look on her face.

As the screen turns black and LOST flashes before our eyes for the final time, we are left, cliffhanging once again, to wonder why the fuck she turned up on this show every four weeks with no plot line or character development.

The end.

I'll give you a minute. Catch your breath.

But there's more.

Although this part won't be televised, meanwhile, back in Chicago, Oprah (a big fan of the show) has watched this unbelievable, twist-filled finale from the comfort of her mansion. Later that night, she responds for the first time ever when Stedman spanks her tush in bed and asks, "Who's your daddy?"

"GAYLE," she yells, screaming in ecstasy, and Gayle walks out of Oprah's closet, revealing herself to be a transsexual and Oprah's father, explaining a lot more things than the LOST finale ever could.

For geeks only: Look for Hurley holding a copy of The Ultimate Weight Solution in the second hour of next week's season finale: pilarrrgh@gmail.com